I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
