BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
