I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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