Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
