my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
