just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
