After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
