made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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