i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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