just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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