thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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