2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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