I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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