I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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