The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
