no, he came in my armpit
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just got carded by a ten year old.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
