dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
