Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
