I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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