I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
