We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
