OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just threw up on my dentist
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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