Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
