I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize