how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
