why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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