I want you more than these girls want KFC
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
