Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
