I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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