she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
