I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
i think my cat just said my name.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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