Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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