3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
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noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
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I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.