After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
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We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
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