I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
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