my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Randomize
