The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
