Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
