I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
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I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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