I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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