I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
