got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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