loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Floor bacon is actually really good
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