And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
