He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Randomize
