She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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