the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
