You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
