Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
