That's when you crack a 10am beer
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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