New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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