My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
