I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
