4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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