i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
