Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
