I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
